Gazza’s Fish

NOTE: This blog intro pertains to the antics of former England midfielder Paul Gascoigne. For comment on the situation in Gaza, please seek out proper independent journalism.

NOTE 2: Despite early indications, I will eventually get around to talking about gambling legislation. Please bear with me while I set the scene.

Gazza was an incredible footballer. Until this Jude Bellingham lad turned up, he was probably the best of my lifetime (I have a soft spot for Matt le Tissier). His genius on the pitch is well documented, and only slightly less well known, is his genius with pranks. Mostly involving fish.

The most famous story involves Gazza bursting into training one day, late, dressed in waders and brandishing a couple of large trout – much to the enjoyment of the team. He was injured at the time, so when the squad left for the practice pitch, he (and an accomplice) took their opportunity to strike.

They identified their most annoying teammate, then purloined his car keys. Trout in hand, they headed to the car park. Gazza, no stranger to stashing fish in weird places, immediately went for the boot and unscrewed the spare wheel. Those of you with a disposition for prank hidings should be nodding your heads with approval at this point, but it gets much better.

The accomplice tossed the first fish into the wheel well, but as he went to add the second, Gazza stopped him. He screwed the spare wheel tightly back into place, then proceeded to hide the second fish in a more findable, but still-good-for-a-hiding-place compartment on the back seat.

He explained “When he notices the smell, he’ll go looking for a fish. When he finds the first one, he’ll think he solved the problem. He’ll just assume the smell is lingering and he won’t even look for the second one.”

The first fish was found in a couple of days, but it was over a month before the sleeper fish was discovered, by which point the car was adorned with dozens of failing air fresheners.

If you haven’t heard a version of that story before, I hope you’re sitting in a state of gobsmacked awe at the man’s ingenuity. If not, then this blog probably isn’t for you. I recommend the Gaming Boardroom Peek at the Week instead. They’re similarly lighthearted but substantially more informative.

So why have I just spent several paragraphs auditioning to be a third rate speaker at a sportsman’s dinner? Partly because Eddie the Eagle can’t be everywhere at once, but mainly because the tale of Gazza’s Fish is a parable.

When the Betting and Gaming Council wrote the government white paper on new gambling legislation (I’m reliably informed that this abhorrent lobbying body was the lead author), they were hiding Gazza’s Fish.

QUICK SIDE NOTE: I haven’t written in ages, but I was inspired to do so by this Guardian article that details £8K of bribes recently paid by the BGC to a Tory MP. Within weeks of getting to see Madonna for free, this “public servant” was publicly denouncing affordability checks.

I wrote about the white paper not too long after it was published. I think it’s fair to say I was generally positive about the contents, because it represents a meaningful step forward from where we (still) are. However, I also recognised and flagged the handiwork of the BGC on things like minimum stakes.

In short, I had found the first fish.

Many months later debate rages on about some of the critical omissions of the white paper. The most notable of which is affordability checks. The gambling industry wants people to be able to lose up to £1K in a day before they have to do any serious financial checks.

It was a while before this debate got properly warmed up, because people were mostly happy (nay, relieved) that some sensible-seeming legislation had been published. If a group of starving refugees finally receive some food, they aren’t going to immediately complain about the pot noodles.

Nonetheless, after a month or so, the responsible gambling community found the second fish.

Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with the remains of decomposed fish, the rotting carcass is only half the battle. Much like Gazza’s poor victim, there is still a deep, pervasive stench to deal with. The affordability elephant is still in the room.

Personally, I don’t think it is a difficult problem to solve. The gambling industry wants people to be able to gamble freely without onerous and invasive checks – so let’s let them. But if anyone is found to be exploiting customers they can be fined up to 100 times that player’s losses.

For example, if a player loses £10K in a month (far more than anyone should be sensibly allowed to lose) then the company is on the hook for a £1M fine. You won’t have to dish out many of these punishments before the industry miraculously finds a way to manage their risk.

That would require the creation of lots of regulator roles to help police the malpractice. That can’t possibly be a stumbling block though, because the BGC is endlessly proud of the 100,000+ (mostly crappy betting shop) jobs it provides. Logically, it should be delighted to generate even more employment.

It’s never that easy though. The greed and mediocrity of people in the industry means this discussion will trudge on indefinitely. And that makes me suspicious.

After so many months of fruitless wrangling, I’m starting to think we’ve all underestimated the cruel genius of the BGC. The legislation (that they wrote) was 18 months overdue, and now we’re tied up with more discussion. The delays only serve them, and with each passing day more people suffer while they profit.

In creating and fuelling an “unsolvable” debate, they have somehow managed to remove the dashboard and hide a third fish.

Well played the BGC, you clever heartless b#stards. Well played indeed.